kim. twenty. an english major with a penchant for film and music. owns three life-sized cardboard cutouts.
1. One of his family members told him not to be with a girl who showed so much skin. We were in her bed not a week later. He smiled at me and I smiled to myself. We fell in love
2. He was older. Had curls like mine and said he didn’t want alcohol in my bloodstream anymore, even though his lips had the same intoxicating affect on me and my cheeks seemed to be stained rose red around him. He was all hands and confidence and I was clumsy and dizzy. A bit later I was sick with “kissing disease.” We never spoke again.
3. We spent the night under the stars. No one has ever seen me so raw. Oh god, I wish someone would have told me intimacy doesn’t fix broken people. I tried, I tried. But it didn’t work and neither did fucking. There’s a scar on the middle finger of his left hand of my initial and a heart carved into his skin. I still wonder if the girls after me hate it as much as I did.
4. It was dark, our hands didn’t fit together right and I could barely feel the metal in his lip. He laughed nervously and told me I talk about my ex quite a bit and I pretended not to notice the hurt in his voice. I left my hair clip in his pocket. I didn’t reply when he texted me two days later asking why I didn’t love him.
5. He got high all the time and he had a cute smile. It was messy and neither of us wanted to be seen with each other; I knew he had someone else on his mind. I could taste it. I wonder if he knew I did, too.
6. He helped me with my biology homework and he drove a nice car. He told me my lips were perfect, kissed me in every seat of that damn infinity, but never once outside of it. We stopped talking when he left for university but we still send each other happy birthday messages and the occasional “Hey, it’s been a while. How are you?” I heard he’s getting rid of that car. I hope he doesn’t
7. He had dimples, a raspy voice, and loved nature. We talked about books and dreams and animals and how pretty the sky is around 7 pm in California. We snuck into a new movie theater and held each other’s faces. We could’ve been great together, but our timing was always so, so wrong.
3. We were both different people than before and I guess you could say I relapsed. But that’s okay. He’s all the way across the country now and my heart isn’t heavy anymore."
6 unrelated observations and thoughts from an abandoned teenage soul
1. There are toddlers who love harder and longer than I do.
2. The ache in my gut has less to do with starvation and more to do with losing him.
3. I hated poetry as a child. I thought the words were nothing more than letters strung together to create something that would never change my life. If I can learn to love literature, maybe he can learn to love me.
4. Maybe my father hit me that summer because he thought it might save me.
5. My anxiety is not an illness. It’s a part of me that I love and hate all the same.
6. The second I found out how she tasted between her thighs was the moment I fell in love with the idea of being with a woman."